The Gay Slapper Returns

Story From June 2005

Just when the women of Hollywood thought they were safe the gay slapper has returned! And he’s looking better and slapping harder than ever before. His latest attack came earlier this week when he showed up on the set of the new Robert Altman film “A Prairie Home Companion”.

His first victim was twenty-time Golden Globe Nominee Meryl Streep. At the time of the attack Meryl was texting her close friend Glen Close on her cell phone when the gay slapper ran up to her. When Streep saw him coming towards her she screamed the likes of which haven’t been heard since “Freddy vs. Jason” hit theaters in the summer of 2003. The gay slapper got her twice. The first slap was for “Being so crazy funny as a person” and the second was for “Lemmony Snickets and A Series of Unfortunate Events”. When asked about the incident two-time Oscar Winner Streep said, “When I saw him I knew what was coming. But I swear he’s hitting harder than he did back in 2003 when he got Jessica Capshaw and Kate Hudson. He must be working out.”

Then later in the day the gay slapper struck again on the same set. This time his victim was teen queen Lindsay Lohan. At the time of the attack Lindsay was enjoying her dinner consisting of a diet coke and an apple. As she went to take a bite of her apple the gay slapper ran up to her. Again like with Streep he slapped twice. The first time he said, “That’s for the awful blond hair.” Then before the second slap he threw a footlong meatball sandwich from Subway at her. Then he said, “Eat this before you end up like Mary Kate Olsen you skinny bitch.” Then he slapped her and ran away. When asked about the attack Lohan said “I don’t’ understand the first slap. This hair color is for this movie. It’s not my fault. It’s not fair.” She then burst into tears. After collecting herself Lindsay said “But the second slap I get. People have been telling me for a wile I’m too thin but I didn’t believe them. I think that slap was the wake up call I needed.” When asked if she had any additional comments Lindsay said “Yeah, I don’t know what he’s been doing but the gay slapper looks great! He must be working out and his skin was virtually flawless. And oh yeah. Don’t forget to see ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’ coming soon to a theater near you. It’s fun for the whole family.”