Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Stars May Be Blind But The Gay Slapper Isn't


Over the summer Hollywood was a buzz over two things. One the incredible box office performance of "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest". And two the strange disappearance of the gay slapper. After this attack on Busy Phillips in August 2005 he had been MIA. The women of Hollywood were beginning to believe they were finally safe from the scary yet fierce gay slapper. But that hope was dashed last Thursday morning. That was when skank-o-the millennium Pairs Hilton became his latest victim.

The hotel heiress was at the Virgin Mega store on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood buying copies of her new cd in an attempt to make it appear more popular when the attack occurred. Paris was standing the register about the buy all but one of the copies the store had when the store doors flew open. Witness said they had not seen such a dramatic entrance since Liza Minnelli was carried into the VH1 Big in 03 Awards on a chariot. Unfortunately for authorities the moment the gay slapper entered the store was the exact moment the security system went on the fritz for five minutes.

As the gay slapper entered the story he declared “I’m back ya’ll and fiercer than ever!” He then turned this attention to Paris and according to onlookers the look he gave her was so cold it could freeze Hawaii in July. Then he struck. He ran towards Hilton. When she saw him coming he let her best “House of Wax” scream. The gay slapper struck her three times. Before slapping her the first time he said “This is for being so skanky that I get syphilis just from looking at you.” After slapping her the first time he took a mini packet of Purell out of his pocked and washed his slapping hand. Then before the second strike he shouted “This is for Stars Are Blind. It is a bloody fabulous song and I HATE that I like anything associated with you.” According to the cashier the second slap was harder and fiercer than the first. After the second slap the gay slapper again cleansed his hands. Then came the final slap before which he said “This is for when I get home. I’m going to have to soak my slapping hand in penicillin for two hours so I don’t’ get your special brand of whoreitess.” After the final slap he started to clean his hands again before saying “What’s the pint.” He then skipped out of the store and up Laurel Canyon.

After the gay slapper left the store Paris passed out. When she awoke ten minutes later the security guard asked her if she was okay. She answered “Ahh. Where am I? Tinkerbell.”

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Violence against womyn is always so hilarious.

FOR SHAME!

10:10 AM  
Blogger fgossipboy said...

It's a joke...don't be so serious take back the night

11:58 AM  
Blogger Crazy Beyotch said...

I completely forgot that he attacked Busy Phillips. I hope his slapping hand doesn't get a nasty infection. I'd hate for him to lose it.

4:05 PM  

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