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The Stars May Be Blind But The Gay Slapper Isn't

Over the summer Hollywood was a buzz over two things. One the incredible box office performance of "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest". And two the strange disappearance of the gay slapper. After this attack on Busy Phillips in August 2005 he had been MIA. The women of Hollywood were beginning to believe they were finally safe from the scary yet fierce gay slapper. But that hope was dashed last Thursday morning. That was when skank-o-the millennium Pairs Hilton became his latest victim.

The hotel heiress was at the Virgin Mega store on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood buying copies of her new cd in an attempt to make it appear more popular when the attack occurred. Paris was standing the register about the buy all but one of the copies the store had when the store doors flew open. Witness said they had not seen such a dramatic entrance since Liza Minnelli was carried into the VH1 Big in 03 Awards on a chariot. Unfortunately for authorities the moment the gay slapper entered the store was the exact moment the security system went on the fritz for five minutes.

As the gay slapper entered the story he declared “I’m back ya’ll and fiercer than ever!” He then turned this attention to Paris and according to onlookers the look he gave her was so cold it could freeze Hawaii in July. Then he struck. He ran towards Hilton. When she saw him coming he let her best “House of Wax” scream. The gay slapper struck her three times. Before slapping her the first time he said “This is for being so skanky that I get syphilis just from looking at you.” After slapping her the first time he took a mini packet of Purell out of his pocked and washed his slapping hand. Then before the second strike he shouted “This is for Stars Are Blind. It is a bloody fabulous song and I HATE that I like anything associated with you.” According to the cashier the second slap was harder and fiercer than the first. After the second slap the gay slapper again cleansed his hands. Then came the final slap before which he said “This is for when I get home. I’m going to have to soak my slapping hand in penicillin for two hours so I don’t’ get your special brand of whoreitess.” After the final slap he started to clean his hands again before saying “What’s the pint.” He then skipped out of the store and up Laurel Canyon.

After the gay slapper left the store Paris passed out. When she awoke ten minutes later the security guard asked her if she was okay. She answered “Ahh. Where am I? Tinkerbell.”

Summer Party Results In Another Slapping

Story From August 2005

The annual summer party of the Fake Gossip News staff has resulted in another attack by the gay slapper. Earlier this month the Fake Gossip News staff gathered for their annual summer party at a swanky Pacific Palisades mansion.

All was going well until the staff decided to watch a movie. Several staff members suggested watching “White Chicks” this 2004 summer hit. Most of the staff agreed but there was one staff member (who’s name will not be published but let’s just say he’s as gay as the day is long) who protested saying it was trash and he didn’t ever need to see it to know that. But the movie soon began despite his best efforts to stop it. He threatened to leave to party in protest. Surprisingly everybody enjoyed the movie including the protester who laughed out a loud more than once
Once the movie was over the gay man suddenly got very upset. He jumped out of his seat and said “Damn her. Damn that Busy Phillips all to hell.”

While nobody knows if the next days events were a direct result of the party. The next day former “Dawson’s Creek” star Busy Phillips found herself the latest victim of the gay slapper. In an exclusive interview with Fake Gossip News Busy talked about the attack from the set of her new series “Love Inc.”. Phillips states “I was in-between takes joking around with the crew and enjoying my Venti Mocha Frappacino from Starbucks when he emerged. I knew it was him because he looked so gay also looked very upset.” According to Busy he said, “This is for ‘White Chicks’” and then slapped her across the face before taking her coffee and running away.

When asked how she felt about it Busy said “It was scary. I didn’t think he’d ever get me. I thought I was below his radar. On one hand I agree with Dakota Fanning that someone so fabulous would take time out to attack me but on the other hand he is out of control. I’ve spoken with Jessica Capshaw and Lindsay Lohan about starting a twelve-step support group for victims of the gay slapper. We think if he continues his ways it may be necessary.”

Fake Gossip News contacted Lindsay about the proposed twelve step group and she told us “It’s true. If he’s ever to be stopped the women of Hollywood must stand together. I mean Busy Phillips? Everybody in town thought the first ‘Dawson’s Creek’ victim would be Katie Holms for the horrid thing with Tom Cruise or even Michelle Williams for taking yummy Health Ledger of the market. But I guess we were wrong.”

The Ellen Mafia

Coming Soon...Why these four women are the most powerful people in Hollywood!

The Father Of Grammy Winner's Baby Revealed

Story from August 2005

*-The basis for this story is based on a 2003 SNL skit where Selma Hayek claimed that Renee Zellweger should not win Best Actress for "Chicago" becaue she was really a man. Clearly Ms. Zellweger is all woman.

Grammy Award winner Michelle Branch’s joy of being a new mother was cut short this week when word broke of who the real father of her baby girl is. Fake Gossip News has learned that the father of the baby is not Branch’s legally recognized husband A source close to branch has revealed to Fake Gossip News that the father of the bay is none other than Academy Award Winner Renee Zellweger.

As the world first learned from Selma Hayeck in 2003 Zellweger is really a man. Apparently Branch and Zellweger met when Renee asked Michelle to write a song for “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason”. While the professional collaboration didn’t end up happening it was clear to those at the meeting that there was a spark between the two.

According to our source Michelle and Renee enjoyed a three-day get away in Palm Springs just days later. This was the only romantic time these two spent together but it was enough for the conception of the baby. No word yet on weather Zellweger will seek joint custody of the baby.

"Vanished" star is Suri's real mom

When the pictures of little Suri Cruise were finally released to the public last month it was the talk of Hollywood. Many thought the baby would have Tom Cruise’s pretty boy good looks or Katie Holmes' girl next door quality. Instead people from Tom Hanks to Kirstie Ally to “Snakes On A Plane” co-star Lin Shaye were shocked by how much the baby looked like neither one of them. Double Oscar Winner Hanks told Fake Gossip News “At first I thought it was a joke. I mean that baby looks nothing like them. Most people don’t’ know this but Tom is a funny guy. It would be just like him to play a practical joke like that on the world. But no he told me himself it their baby. He’s my friend so I guess I’ve to believe him.” Newly slimmed down two time Emmy Winner Ally said, “Because of our passion for Scientology I’ve stood by Tom the last year and half. But there are somethings even Scientology won’t forgive. That’s not their baby.” Kirstie went on to add, “I can’t wait until my Jenny Craig contract is up. Their food sucks but they paid me more money that I made for all the ‘Look Who’s Talking’ movies put together so I had to take it.” The reaction by Hollywood can best be summed up by Shaye. When Fake Gossip News caught up with her on a hike in Runyan Canyon she declared “Give me a fucking break. That’s not their baby. One of the CGI snakes from my movie would have been more believable than that thing.”

But if Tom and Katie aren’t Suri’s parents who is? There was a lot of talk that Suri looked oddly Asian. It turns out Suri is the biological child of “Vanished” star Ming-Na. Fake Gossip News learned while trying to get her career back on track after leaving “ER” yet again Ming decided she wanted another child. But she didn’t want to put her career on hold again or loose her figure again after using Windor Pilates to get it back.

In an exclusive interview the voice of Mulan sat down with Fake Gossip News to tell her story. Ming declared “The timing appeared to be perfect. Tom and Katie needed a pregnancy in order for their relationship to appear real and I needed a surrogate. We struck a deal for Katie to carry the baby. After she gave birth the official word would be that the baby had been still born. Then a month after Tom and Katie were going to announce their break up. We figured the plan was full proof. The public would feel sorry for them and wouldn’t question the break up. After all what couple could survive that.” Ming went on to add, “I of course was going to get my baby back and officially say that I adopted her.”

So what happened? Apparently Tom changed him mind. There was a lot of behind the scenes drama which explains why it took so long for baby Suri to even be issued a birth certificate. When asked for a comment on this story Tom’s publicist issued the following statement “Suri is the spitting image of Tom and Katie. Any fool can see that.” But according to the polygraph test Ming took for Fake Gossip News she’s telling the truth. But without proof it appears doubtful she’ll ever get her baby back. She says there was an official contract between her Tom and Katie. But when Fake Gossip news asked her to produce it she said, “I can’t produce it. It vanished”. However Ming is hoping to get DNA proof it’s just a matter of getting somebody close enough to Suri to snatch a hair off her head and not a hair from that awful baby wig.

New Stories On Their Way

Coming Soon. Fake Gossip News Stories from 2006. Featuring The Gay Slapper & Suri Cruise.

Lorraine Bracco's Dream Role

Story From July 2005

Academy Award Nominee Lorraine Bracco landed her best role in years earlier this week. Lorraine will play screen legend Liz Taylor in the new feature film “Bad: Jacko starts to go Wacko”. The film will chronicle Michael Jackson’s life from 1986 to 1990, the years leading up an immediately following the release of his popular “Bad” album.

Shortly after the announcement of the film Bracco sat down for an interview with Fake Gossip News at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel. When asked about the project Lorraine said, “I am very excited about this project. The last time I was this excited about a movie was when I was cast to play Drew Barrymore’s mother in ‘Riding in Cars with Boys’. Elizabeth Taylor is one of the greatest screen icons ever and it will be my honor to play her.

There is no word yet on who will play Wacko Jacko but that hasn’t dulled Lorraine’s excitement. “We’ll find the right actor. The role has Oscar written all over it.” When asked about specifics about the film Bracco was mum except to say “There is a dream sequence in which Jacko and Liz do a duet/dance number to ‘Man in the Mirror’. I’m really looking forward to that.” When asked where she was going to do her research Lorraine Bracco said “Duh. Liz Taylor’s house.”

Has The Gay Slapper Finally Gone Too Far?

Story From July 2005

Hollywood is in shock following the gay slappers latest attack. This time the fabulous gay slapper went after his youngest victim yet. As a result it has people wondering if he has finally gone too far.

The latest attack came over the 4th of July weekend. When young SAG nominee Dakota Fanning was out for a picnic with her family. Dakota was about to bite into a delicious egg salad sandwich prepared by her good friend Michelle Pfeiffer when the gay slapper appeared out of nowhere.

According to Denzel Washington whose family was celebrating the 4th with the Fanning family “We were just sitting there eating when he came out of no where. Zeus in heaven he just went at her.” Apparently the gay slapper said “I haven’t seen it yet but his is for ‘War Of The Worlds’” and then he slapped her but before he ran away he also stole the Pfeiffer made egg salad sandwich. He took a bite and before he ran off he said, “Wow that’s delicious. Can that Catwoman make a sandwich or what?”
Dakota’s many Co-Star’s have expressed great concern over her attack. Michelle Pfieller herself issued the following statement “It’s one thing to slap women like Kate Hudson, Meryl Streep and Lindsay Lohan but to go after a child is just unforgivable.” Fanning’s “Hide And Seek” CO-star Robert DeNiro agreed saying “I’ve played a lot of psycho’s in my day but none of them would have EVER sunk as low as the gay slapper did striking a child is jut unforgivable.”

But as her adult friends are expressing their outrage it seems Dakota herself didn’t really mind. In an exclusive interview with Fake Gossip News Dakota said “It really didn’t hurt that bad. Besides you know you’ve really arrived when the gay slapper gets you. He only goes after the best actresses in town. In a way I’m flattered.”

The Gay Slapper Returns

Story From June 2005

Just when the women of Hollywood thought they were safe the gay slapper has returned! And he’s looking better and slapping harder than ever before. His latest attack came earlier this week when he showed up on the set of the new Robert Altman film “A Prairie Home Companion”.

His first victim was twenty-time Golden Globe Nominee Meryl Streep. At the time of the attack Meryl was texting her close friend Glen Close on her cell phone when the gay slapper ran up to her. When Streep saw him coming towards her she screamed the likes of which haven’t been heard since “Freddy vs. Jason” hit theaters in the summer of 2003. The gay slapper got her twice. The first slap was for “Being so crazy funny as a person” and the second was for “Lemmony Snickets and A Series of Unfortunate Events”. When asked about the incident two-time Oscar Winner Streep said, “When I saw him I knew what was coming. But I swear he’s hitting harder than he did back in 2003 when he got Jessica Capshaw and Kate Hudson. He must be working out.”

Then later in the day the gay slapper struck again on the same set. This time his victim was teen queen Lindsay Lohan. At the time of the attack Lindsay was enjoying her dinner consisting of a diet coke and an apple. As she went to take a bite of her apple the gay slapper ran up to her. Again like with Streep he slapped twice. The first time he said, “That’s for the awful blond hair.” Then before the second slap he threw a footlong meatball sandwich from Subway at her. Then he said, “Eat this before you end up like Mary Kate Olsen you skinny bitch.” Then he slapped her and ran away. When asked about the attack Lohan said “I don’t’ understand the first slap. This hair color is for this movie. It’s not my fault. It’s not fair.” She then burst into tears. After collecting herself Lindsay said “But the second slap I get. People have been telling me for a wile I’m too thin but I didn’t believe them. I think that slap was the wake up call I needed.” When asked if she had any additional comments Lindsay said “Yeah, I don’t know what he’s been doing but the gay slapper looks great! He must be working out and his skin was virtually flawless. And oh yeah. Don’t forget to see ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’ coming soon to a theater near you. It’s fun for the whole family.”

Rodgers & Kidman to kidnap Holmes

Story From June 2005

On the same day that three time Academy Award Nominee Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced their engagement Fake Gossip News has learned of a plan by Cruise’s first two wives. According to an inside source Mimi Rodgers and three time Golden Globe winner Nicole Kidman have been in close communication since the news of the Cruise/Holmes romance broke not too long ago. The source told Fake Gossip News that both Mimi and Nicole are “appalled” young Katie has been sucked into Cruise’s publicity web.

When asked for a comment Rodgers declined but her publicist released the following statement “I hope it’s real. But I am worried for Katie. When you’re with Tom you pay a high price both going in and getting out. There was a time when I was in love with Tom but when I realized I had to get out I literally had to put sell my career to the devil. That’s how I ended up doing crap like ‘Ginger Snaps’ and ‘Dumb & Dumberer’.”

Fake Gossip News also got the dish when we caught up with Oscar winner Kidman at a recent midnight sing along of “Moulin Rouge” in Santa Monica. Nicole told us “Tom changes your life. At first I loved it. Being with the biggest movie star in the world. But I forgot who I was. When I found myself again on the set of ‘Moulin Rouge’ Tom lost it. He couldn’t believe I was no longer just going to be his arm candy. Our marriage soon fell apart. Him producing ‘The Others’ was our last ditch attempt at saving it but it was too late. But like Mimi I paid a price. In our divorce papers there was a stipulation that I would put my now red-hot career on the line for two questionable Hollywood remakes. Last year it was “The Stepford Wives” and we all know how that turned out. And this year it’s “Bewitched” which I hoping will turn out better but one way or another I’m glad I’m finally done paying the price for my marriage and divorce from Tom.”

It seems Mimi and Nicole don’t want Katie to make the same mistakes they made. According to our source Rodgers and Kidman are planning on kidnapping Holmes upon her return to the sates from France and “knocking some sense into her.” The source also told us that Nicole knows how to “Undo the Scientology brainwashing that clearly has been done to Holmes.” When Fake Gossip News asked if Mimi & Nicole had considered brining Cruise’s former flame Penelope Cruz in on their plan the source told us “Mimi thought it might be a good idea but Nicole was dead set against it. Eventually Nicole won out after convincing Mimi that Penelope is as dumb as a box of hair.”

Jacko To Live With Liz

Story from Summer 2005

As the child molestation trial of Grammy Award Winner Michael Jackson winds down speculation turns to the future of Wacko Jacko. A Fake Gossip News Legal Analyst said "While I believe in my heart that Jacko is wacko and a sicko I think there is enough reasonable doubt that he’ll get acquitted." But what then?

LaToya Jackson told Fake Gossip News via telepathy "My brother is broke. He’s spent his entire fortune on legal fees. He’s going to have to sell Neverland once the trial is over." But have no fears one of Jacko’s longest and dearest friends has come to his aid.
The assistant to Two Time Academy Award Winner Elizabeth Taylor told Fake Gossip News "Liz is very upset about what has happened to Michael and has offered to let him live with her if he is indeed broke."

On Thursday May 26th Fake Gossip News approached Jacko himself about this rumor. As he was leaving the courthouse a Fake Gossip New Reporter asked, "Michael are you broke." Jacko did not respond. Our reporter then said "I’ll take that as yes. If you have to sell Neverland where you gonna live Liz Taylor’s house?" As he stepped into a limo Jackson quietly nodded.

Sharon Stone’s Romance Angers W

Story from the summer of 2005

It seems Golden Globe winner Sharon Stone has finally found happiness and George W. Bush isn’t happy about it. After a divorce and a long career slump Stone, 47, has added something new to her life. No, we’re not talking about those fun hair extensions or her new adopted son. We’re talking about her engagement to the Komodo dragon that attacked her ex-husband a few years back.

Sharon and the Komodo Dragon have been friends for over a decade. They originally meet on the set of the western “The Quick and The Dead”. Back in 2000 Sharon and the Komodo Dragon plotted to kill Stone’s then husband and split the life insurance money but the attack failed. As Fake Gossip News reported in 2003 when Sharon’s then husband found out she had been in cahoots with the Komodo Dragon it lead to the end of their marriage. Soon after the friendship between Stone and the Komodo Dragon turned into something more.

Sharon told Fake Gossip News “I’ve never been happier. I have two wonderful children and I finally found the love of my life. I’m hoping California will be the first state to recognize marriage as between humans and Komodo Dragons.”

When told about Sharon’s new love “President” George W. Bush responded “I told you gay marriage would lead to bestiality. Now I must go off and plan the next war against Iran."

The History of the Gay Slapper

The Gay Slapper has been attacking Hollywood’s most beautiful and talented women since the summer of 2003. His first victim was Academy Award Nominee Kate Hudson. She was slapped for looking too much like her mom Goldie Hawn. Another one of his first victims was Jessica Capshaw. She was slapped for getting the gay slapped hooked on the show "The Practice". There will soon be some stories posted about his attacks in 2005. And the women of Hollywood had better beware. He never says away for long.

The Original Story

Although it was deleted from my computer years ago the original Fake Gossip News story involved Sharon Stone's divorce. The premise of the story was that Sharon's husband found out she was in cahoots with the Komodo Dragon that tried to kill him in 2000. And that lead to their divorce. I will be posting some old stories I wrote in 2005 before I post new stories. Just wanted to give a little history.